Southern Snowpocalypse

It snowed here yesterday, and when I say “it snowed,” what I really mean is everyone in south Louisiana lost their ever-loving minds. Schools and businesses and roads were closed. Traffic was insane. Bridges were iced over. People panicked and rammed their cars into things. Wanna know how much snow we got? 1/16″. Maybe. If we’re being especially generous.

That’s not to say the panic was completely unwarranted. My Damn Yankee husband rolls his eyes at this kind of hullabaloo every time it happens. He grew up in Pittsburgh and Chicago, so I guess the eye rolls are deserved. But you know what? He once spent all day buying gallons of water, tying down plastic lawn furniture, and contemplating whether he should board up his windows for a tropical storm that fizzled out before it ever hit land. I distinctly remember rolling my eyes a couple of times.

And that’s the way it is everywhere, right? My friends in Kansas haul ass Flo-Jo style and make it from their second story bedrooms to their basements in five seconds flat once that tornado siren goes off. My friends in California have their shit together when it comes to earthquakes, but the only shit I’d have together in an earthquake would be the pile of gold bricks under my butt. It’s all about what you’re used to. And here, we ain’t used to snow unless it’s soaked in flavored syrup and drenched with condensed milk.

Snowball - New Orleans Style

The forecast for the Greater New Orleans area where I live currently calls for lows in the teens and a chance of snow, sleet, and/or ice next week. We’re pretty sure we’ve lost our lemon tree to the cold, and even our satsuma is looking iffy at this point. And while 2013 was the hottest year on record, south Louisiana has never seen anything like the cold we’ve seen this winter. Ever. Okay, well, maybe during the Ice Age. A chance of snow in south Louisiana on two separate occasions within the span of one week? I’m pretty sure this means we’re in END TIMES, y’all. It’s time to stock up on rice and Dinty Moore beef stew. Trust me on this one.


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