No Codpiece For You!

I grew up watching Dark Crystal, The NeverEnding Story, Legend, and Willow, and my love for these 80s cult fantasies stuck. One of my favorite articles of clothing features the text of The Last Unicorn, I can recite half the screenplay of The Princess Bride, and I mimic the Skeksis voice on a frighteningly regular basis.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I read earlier today that finally, after long years of anticipation, a sequel to Labyrinth was in the works, despite my fear a sequel or remake would end in disaster. More Jareth? Oh, yes, please. Including the frighteningly large codpiece, if you don’t mind. The prominence of David Bowie’s member* in that movie marks the moment I became consciously aware of the differences in women’s and men’s bodies. I was only twelve at the time and still quite innocent, so it took a package worthy of its own lines and paycheck to catch my notice.

There was something so creepily fascinating about the way Bowie played that character, and though I still love and watch all of the movies listed here, Bowie’s performance sticks with me more than any other actor’s from that set. Jareth represented a different world — an adult world, full of sexuality and responsibility and temptation that my twelve-year-old mind hadn’t begun to grasp. Until that movie. It was the first time I remember watching a movie and consciously thinking, “This is about growing up,” and, “Crap. I’m growing up,” and, okay, I’ll be honest, “Good Lord…those pants are really tight!”

And so I’d just stifled my squeal of excitement and headed off to read about the new movie when I discovered that, no, in fact, a sequel is not in the works. Neither is a remake. All a misunderstanding. Sorry. No codpiece for you.

My heart. It bleeds.

Perhaps it’s for the best, though. If they made a sequel, I’d drag my kids to see it on opening night, and God only knows what kinds of assumptions the thirteen-year-old would make. Don’t get me wrong…she’s already seen David Bowie’s giant crotch at least twenty times. I try to counteract the impact with gentle, codpiece-free movies like My Neighbor Totoro and The Cat Returns. After all, a girl can only handle so many hyper-masculine crotches in one lifetime. Our quota is set at one.

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